Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you will always have a special place in my vag
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm having to shit out rocks
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