dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
