I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I enjoy the company of your penis
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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