I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
