Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
