you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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