True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
