God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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