I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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