she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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