I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
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you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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