I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
