My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
