My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
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Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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