my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
