My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
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Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
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Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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