6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
