He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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