also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
