If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
