his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
