ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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