im about as happy as oj after his trial
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
