ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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