I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
