Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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