im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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