he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize