Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
