I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
