I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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