I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
