When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
