Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
