Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
farters have to be the big spoon...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
