matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
