Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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