Moan for me like Helen Keller
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
