Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
