My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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