You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
