So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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