Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
No subtext here. People are naked.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
