He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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