Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Randomize
