I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you will always have a special place in my vag
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
