just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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