Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
this hospital has no fireball
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
