It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
