Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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