So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
