My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
