Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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